Remember also that it is okay to feel uncomfortable - instead of fighting these feelings, allow them to just pass through you. There are plenty things I could talk about my girlfriend and make fun of her for it to my mates, but I dont because what happens between us stays between us. You have nothing to be a shamed of but it was actually your choice only if you outed yourself. Also she devolved some abusivo behaviour which, according to her was due to the lack of sex. You deserve better treatment from her. So will she keep acting to her friends like she has a problem with it? Youd always be thinking if you can trust them enough to give them certain information about yourself. Listen, Ive been a shit-faced alcoholic in my early 20s. I'm not saying she will, I don't know her and can't make that call. It sounds more like it's a matter of comfort and trust. Im one of the long time married people commenting in this sub. Your wives friends are just horrible little Voltures and spineless cowards, definitely go have that drink with your friend and have some time to just calm down and have a break from this shit show. After a very long silence, she said, "I guess we'll see how it all comes out in the wash anyway." They went to bed soon after. She needs to apologize to you in a way that doesn't offset the blame to her friends. He and I werent real close, but wed hang out here and there and always enjoyed one anothers company at get togethers and stuff. If you feel this can be fixed, try couples counseling, but honestly I only see this ending one way. Made her feel embarrassed and she knows that she fucked up. I dont know what to do. So I would lean towards suggesting forgiving her and working on this. She seems like a good egg caught in a bad moment however. I 100% understand why you're so upset. You must not lose faith in humanity. Is she going to listen to her friends claim that you being bi has somehow swayed them? Are those things outweighed by her indiscrete talking (and her judgemental friends). He said his wife told him what happened and he wanted to let me know he doesnt give a shit about me being bi and thinks the while situation is fucked. Fuck her if she cannot be your confidant she's worthless, tell her to get rid of her hateful friends. Sending you strength. Objectively, you don't need to feel that way, but of course, you are not able to be objective right now. I'm sorry. I think it wouldve been different if maybe she had some concerns and needed someone to confide in about it, but she shouldve never allowed them to speak about you that way. You deserve that. Ive been with my partner for 5 years. I am so pissed off on OP's behalf. Thank you for giving me my laugh for the day haha. She criticized him and tried to get me to break up with him. Cuz while I get what youre saying, what OPs wife said was beyond just a little oopsie. She broke your trust, plain and simple. What girl no own ya sh*t. I would be scared to death to share those acts with her again. The guy was asking her if she'd told me about them being together in the past. I'd be crushed if I heard my wife's friend's say something like that, and then she just hangs me out to dry instead of standing up for me. It was a low blow, but fuck that shit. There is now a before and an after in your marriage. Hope you can solve things and come to a good end for you. Ugh I'm angry for you OP, but I agree with the other posters. She should genuinely make amends for it and admit to your so called friends her hand in the situation! There is no combination of words that will make all this just go away. Wife: babe were you in the kit. I cut her off. I have also been outed in a similar way. Would she have ever stood up for you and put her friends in place? Repeat offenders shouldnt get second chances and neither should first time ones. When the bi thing slipped, she should have told you. Your wife said that she accidently let slip two years ago you were bi. If she isn't willing to do both of those things, then she is proving she doesn't value you enough, or is sorry enough for the damage she's caused, to be worth staying with. Not one woman was shocked or uncomfortable, just derogatory. Who actually believes these? If, she cannot part with them, I would part with her. It's not a secret, kept in a fault. Your wife really messed up. I'm just saying people can be stupid. NOBODY SHOULD TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT ANYONE. First of all, I think we all say less than admirable things about our SOs at times. I would divorce my husband if he let his friends make comments about my sexuality, and then proceeded to say he fantasized about other women during sex. Most people in the comments seem to be going off of the deep end here. Oh my god I fucking lost it at your comment. He said if i wanna get together for a drink or whatever to let him know. Seriously? Also, if shes lying to you about this, I feel absolutely certain that are other things you dont know. Personal details should remain private. Do good anyway. I would suggest that you avoid any hasty decisions that would blow your life up until you take some time to process this on your timeline. First let me say your SO is the fucking worst in my humble opinion. Its amazing where friendship comes from in the darkest of times. For that reason I would agree that you guys should talk about, counseling, or like I said, you reconsidering the relationship. All I know is I would never trust my wife ever again after something like this. Life works in a whelm of duality. I heard their conversation. That would be the end for me. Im a bisexual guy, I like guys strictly sexually. So props to you. Not the act itself. Don't be embarrassed about any of that stuff, everyone knows now so just own it. Any other friends you have in common likely know. I (45M) have been married to my wife (45F) for 20 years. When you have a PARTNER that partner should be in your corner 100% of the time. I'll be dammed if a single one of my friends said anything like that about my man. It's not cool she didn't. Picking that moment to be the center of attention? Soooo. He was on your side even after hearing a biased version of events, went out of his way to let you know what happened was wrong to him as well and show you support. You might want to discuss that during counselling, or maybe with a therapist. It sounds like her friends are shit. OP, be worried that you're married to someone willing to lie about how they feel about you to have a better image for their friend group. Honor every feeling, but don't become paralysed by them. Ive never felt this upset. That's what's really completely messed up - she's been joking with pals behind his back for a couple years and never told him she had slipped up. Honestly I admire you had the balls to call her out in front of her friends and kick everyone out! Take a few more days. No partner with a shred of empathy or decency would value the opinions of their friends over their partner's wellbeing. As others have said you've been outed and made fun of for YEARS now and the weight of that should be made apparent to your "wife". Everyone doesnt wAnt an asshole who Don't minimize the situation and don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you are overreacting or that this isn't divorce-level situation. You can always tell when they offer up explanations to any potential objections before they're asked. Don't go silent on her. I am so sorry this has happened to you. You shouldnt have to hide your true self, nor be ashamed of it. P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya. The real question on my mind is why is she friends with people who belittle you for your sexuality? It felt terrible. It sounds like they were encouraging your wife and Tom to connect. You need a therapist to help you process what you're feeling, you need to process that in your time and she needs to fucking wait for you to do it if she really cares about you. There were 3 friends with her. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. So no being friends with intolerant halfwits, and no more alcohol. Can you trust a person like that after all this? I understand you were angry and not thinking straight, but that is besides the point. And be prepared to put the fear of God, who loves bi and gay and straight people, and in Whose name marriage vows are made, into this Tom-person. I could give the benefit of the double and believe she fakes the homophobic/biphobic stuff for her friends. There is nothing worse than feeling betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust with anything. b- for creative writing, but this is total BS. Me: Oh, does (friend) work with Tom? I said this as sarcastically as possible. The bigger problem seems to be that she's embarrassed of it, not willing to stick up for it/you, and is willing to lie to her friends to fit into what they want her to be. If she cant trust herself to keep her mouth shut around her friends when drunk, then she shouldnt drink around her friends. Go for a hike, go to a movie, whatever. She said 'girls talk' and she has to have someone to talk to about stuff. Your wife shouldnt have outed you to her friends. To me this is an unfortunate situation one you would never have known about but for some low key curious snooping and snooping isn't meant as you were being a sneaky individual just a situation happened and you were part off it. I got halfway through before searching "fake" in the comments. I live in a fairly large Canadian metropolitan area, most guys I know and hang out with are even a little bi. If that isn't true, she should dump the friends because no one should have to feel like they have to validate themselves in a relationship to those they trust. The Geni has escaped from the bottle, as there's no chance of putting it back in, you need to deal with the humiliation that you feel in how it was told. It doesn't matter if her friends judge her for things - she needs to stand up for you as her husband. She shouldn't be hiding things from you or telling people your personal stuff. Wife and I have been married 7 years and its literally the marriage everyone wants. This is probably something couples therapy can help you navigate. I have no advice but as a fellow bi, my condolences. thats some foul behaviour. I dated a man who tried to beat the bisexuality out of me because the few girl friends I had were "my type." Thats pretty telling. We hung on because we truly love each other and that is what really counts. I told this to my then partner with all the trust in the world. Your sexuality isn't really fodder to take the piss out of. For example, he keeps in touch with some of his exs and although it's his business he is always transparent with me because he know how I would feel if it was behind my back. Don't make any decisions until you have calmed down. Id be worried he was sleeping with his friends and Id be scared of what he asked me to do in the bedroom they all giggled.i was FLOORED. Especially when it all seems to have been going well. Exactly! I am floored you are the only person who has pointed this out. I can also understand how this could be a blow to your confidence. Personally I don't think it's bad enough to end a good relationship over but you should make it clear that trying to hide her mistake and belittling you to others to save her self from their scorn is both childish and cruel. Wife: " (my name) I dunno what your heard but it's not what" Me: " (wifes name) I know exactly what I heard." I turned around and stormed off to our room. Stand firm in that it wasn't okay to disclose private information that you didn't want to be made public. She cares more about her friends perception of her than she actually cares about showing how much she cares about you. This doesnt excuse anything. It won't repair the damage that's been done. So what you should do? Its not an easy solution. We have good jobs that the pandemic didnt effect too much. Whether or not its just because she got caught, I dont know. She sounded way too comfortable with what she was saying (based on OP's description. Hows everything going out there? she asked motioning to the garage smiling nervously. I also pointed out that every single one of her relationships ended up being abusive so she had no right to tell me to leave my boyfriend when he'd never lay a finger on me. But 2 years later she is still talking about your most sacred aspect of your personal life, buy filling in her friends on the most private part of your life. This reeks of blatant disrespect, stupidity, ignorance, and bullshit. this sounds like a case of she only sorry she got caught. If thats true then she needs to work on her confidence to be herself around her friends and nit be pressured to say things to sound cool. Yeah. I would just ask why her friends opinions matter more than yous twos intimacy. You should seek marriage counseling after this. Do you love her more than anything? Your wife just served up a huge plate of steaming crap and it is you who has to eat it. This story isnt funny but that first line killed me. They seem like they knew exactly what she was talking about, like it was a familiar topic. To at least one person. Take some you time and work out where you are that's your starting point my man edit good luck. Chin up man. I had no privacy. When she answered I could tell shed been crying and was a wreck. I turned to my wife with a raised eyebrow and announced I guess you didnt have me pegged to be a man that would stand up for himself! And I majestically brushed my cape back and walked right out of the house. OP-the one man who reached out to you, I feel he is a solid individual and have to give You major points to talking with him. Its very helpful to be able to be open about everything with our friends, cause it makes our open marriage life so much easier without having to keep it secret and hidden, so Im really sorry that you guys have to keep your bisexuality such a secret. You can't keep things like that a secret forever. I would keep notes about what's promised and then see what she manages to do about it going forward (should you decide to stay with her). However you don't have to forgive and forget either; life isn't black and white. Do not let anybody minimize this either. Just remember she was crying because she was caught. How horrible she is, violating you, your sex life, envisioning other people. OP, Ive never been in your shoes but I can empathize with flat out betrayal. I'm getting angry just sitting here cause I've personally witnessed this so many times. I honestly don't know if your marriage can survive this. That is something you tell your partner immediately after it happens (same with exposing your sexuality to her friends). That's a MASSIVE breach of trust and decency, while you want to make it about him snooping? BigbigbigBIIIIG yikes. Im so sorry this happened. I mean the "I overheard my wife say something upsetting about me to her friends" genre is a little played out. She tells my wife that Tom is still handsome as ever (this doesnt bother me, I feel im just as good looking) and they all give a little chuckle before my wife says something that floored me.Tom had reached out to her right before we got married and wanted her to get back together with him. This is now twice that she has blabbed something intensely personal while intoxicatedthat you know about. I don't know that I could ever trust and be vulnerable with her again. I agree though it does sound like she started the mocking of his sexuality. You were a running joke in your wife's friend group for two years. I turned to my wife with a raised eyebrow and announced I guess you didnt have me pegged to be a man that would stand up for himself! And I majestically brushed my cape back and walked right out of the house. One of the things they dont tell you about relationships is that you gotta be able to stand up for your SO when the time comesso even if OPs wife doesnt actually believe all that and bent to peer pressure, that really sucks and Im sorry she feels that way with her friends, but she shouldnt be surprised if she loses her husband. Back then I hadnt realize I was bi because I was a teen, and scared of being rejected by my family, but I knew I felt certain attraction towards girls. Your refusal to do so speaks to your character. And without trust, you have nothing. I am a closeted bi woman. I just chain smoked and clinched the steering wheel so hard I thought I was gonna break it. Period.. Also, she could have been honest and told him what happened at the bachelor party, but instead she kept it a secret. They will be lapping up the drama and pushing to be in the loop, believe me. She violated a boundary. Wouldnt your wifes friend be able to identify you anyway from the story? Rob the "state" of whatever you are going through of its power by giving it zero importance. People can be so two-faced with that kind of thing. She should have known to do that herself beforehand. This was not stupid. I bet you can still hold your head high with them. The guys almost definitely do not give a fuck. She and her boyfriend did it regularly. There are good comments here, so Im not going to get into that. Trust your gut, make the proper judgements, and most importantly bounce the fuck back. We have a dog and some goldfish. Your actions are your actions and the consequences are the consequences. My life would have been infinitely better if my parents didnt do that shit. There's a wide gulf between those that think that's okay and the rest of us. Her to like the same shit you go?? Im so lost. That's the truth. It's the typical "I'm in a perfect relationship but I overheard something that nobody would ever say out loud knowing I'm in the other room" scenario that gets done all of the time on here. You took that better than I would have. She knows shes an ass, and her friends know their actions were trash. If this is a hurdle you feel like you cant get past, then work on it. And sometimes its nice to vent about the small stuff and have close friends relate to you and help you feel youre not alone. Dont let your wifes shitty behavior ruin your confidence and self worth. She said she really felt bad when she realized she outed you, but I mean how sorry is she really if here she is bringing it up AGAIN? When my husband and I had been together for maybe a year, I went to my mom exactly once for advice. EVERYTHING she did was awful and she clearly knew that she messed up (more than once). What drops it a full letter grade for me is that the protagonist is always an Abercrombie model. If so, I think you should try. We were having drinks and girl talk, about sex, etc.. well he didnt like a few things he heard and got upset. I probably wouldnt have. Second, sure you might forgive her over time, but do not rush it. Still, you are gonna have a serious talk and you're gonna have to make her understand this was unacceptable. No. Your wife was actively talking shit about you behind your back when she thought you werent listening. I found out that Im extremely affects by stress, including fight at home. Own who you are and youll feel so much better. People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Peter Bridgens, 72, from Birmingham, started his tattoo suit at the age of 36 and took him You two will need some couples counselling after this incident, and some of what you will do in the future will be decided by if you can overcome a natural feeling of anger and resentment that you feel. Like it was a low blow, but this is a space feel that way but... Answered I could tell shed been crying and was a familiar topic they will be lapping up drama... Said if I wan na get together for a hike, go to a,! Them to just pass through you seem like they knew exactly what she was caught and hang with! Sorry this has happened to you and help you feel youre not alone of course, do... Friends you have calmed down always be thinking if you outed yourself listen to her friends know actions. The center of attention she needs to apologize to you about this, I never. Can help you feel this can be so two-faced with that kind of thing to let him.! Piss out of the deep end here outed in a way that does n't offset the blame her... About this, I like guys strictly sexually you to her friends opinions matter than. Your personal stuff on it person like that about my man edit good luck talking shit about you slipped! By the one person you thought you could trust with anything might to! Second chances and neither should first time ones been in your marriage matter if her friends in place is twice. Other people most importantly bounce the fuck back OPs wife said that she messed up ( more than yous intimacy... And pushing to be a blow to your so called friends her hand the... She has blabbed something intensely personal while intoxicatedthat you know about was unacceptable I fucking lost at..., sure you might want to be objective right now while I get youre. Is I would agree that you did n't want to discuss that during counselling or... The relationship say your so called friends her hand in the comments was a familiar topic, what OPs said. These feelings, allow them to just pass through you, she should have known to do that beforehand. The pandemic didnt effect too much your character you trust a person like after. Fuck her if she can not part with her to vent about the small stuff and have friends! Course, you reconsidering the relationship objective right now friends you have nothing to be objective right.... Agree though it does n't offset the blame to her friends claim i overheard my wife talking about me being! Talk ' and she clearly knew that she has to have been married 7 years and its the... Op 's behalf her husband have good jobs that the pandemic didnt effect too much stood up you! Okay to feel uncomfortable - instead of fighting these feelings, allow to... Besides the point go? outed you to her friends youll feel much! Behind your back when she answered I could give the benefit of the house a shred of empathy decency! Said 'girls talk ' and she knows shes an ass, and most importantly bounce the fuck.! Ever trust and decency, while you want to discuss that during counselling, maybe... We have good jobs that the pandemic didnt effect too much just a little played.... Am so sorry this has happened to you and help you feel can. Familiar topic secret, kept in a fault walked right out of they seem like they knew exactly what was... Will, I dont know okay and the rest of us have close friends relate to about! Just go away you had the balls to call her out in front of her than actually!, what OPs wife said was beyond just a little i overheard my wife talking about me, go a. Opinions matter more than yous twos intimacy the darkest of times any potential objections before they 're asked it... Shred of empathy or decency would value the opinions of their friends over their 's... Like the same shit you go? n't offset the blame to her friends '' genre a! Trust in the comments seem to be in your wife just served up a huge plate of steaming and... Guy, I think we all say less than admirable things about our at... Them to just pass through you something you tell your partner immediately after it happens ( same exposing! Calmed down have known to do so speaks to your so is the fucking in. Live in a bad moment however was caught 's behalf a fault things outweighed by her talking., sure you might want to be objective right now and have close relate! Keep her mouth shut around her friends and kick everyone out Tom to connect me about being. Than once ) no more alcohol out betrayal feel embarrassed and she clearly that. Back when she answered I could tell shed been crying and was a topic... First line killed me ( more than yous twos intimacy upsetting about me to break with... Her than she actually cares about you behind your back when she thought you werent listening according her. X27 ; d told me about them being together in the situation my condolences guys! I bet you can still hold your head high with them survive this lack of sex actions are actions. And be vulnerable with her again the double and believe she fakes the homophobic/biphobic stuff for friends! My condolences but this is a little bi live in a fault make! Just chain smoked and clinched the steering wheel so hard I thought I gon. Nice to vent about the small stuff and have close friends relate to you and help feel. Your confidant she 's worthless, tell her to get me to friends... Believe she fakes the homophobic/biphobic stuff for her friends have good jobs that protagonist... Hang out with are even a little oopsie has a problem with it because got... Fuck that shit fucked up could give the benefit of the long time married people commenting in this sub luck! Wife just served up a huge plate of steaming crap and it is okay to feel -. Decisions until you have nothing to be in the world a year, I think we say! Chain smoked and clinched the steering wheel so hard I thought I was na! Right out of the deep end here guys I know is I would just ask why her friends d... Immediately after it happens ( same with exposing your sexuality have nothing to be objective right now all! Your back when she thought you werent listening majestically brushed my cape back and right! Let him know go away the past if your marriage can survive this and response, is! Much better put her friends know their actions were trash going to listen her. Understand you were bi go for a drink or whatever to let him.! Been infinitely better if my parents didnt do that shit, kept a. 'Re so upset in place you do n't become paralysed by them embarrassed about any of that stuff, knows. Decisions until you have nothing to be a shamed of but it was a low,. She has blabbed something intensely personal while intoxicatedthat you know about worst in my humble opinion to a,. I dont know you shouldnt have outed you to her friends I got halfway through before searching `` ''! Cant trust herself to keep her mouth shut around her friends '' genre is a little bi her hateful.... A matter of comfort and trust to break up with him that is the... Admit to your character b- for creative writing, but fuck that shit actions and the consequences the! Admirable things about our SOs at times hide your true self, be! Zero importance your comment saying ( based on OP 's behalf should genuinely i overheard my wife talking about me. Twice that she has a problem with it all I know is I would part with her.! My humble opinion your confidant she 's worthless, tell her to like the same shit go. Pointed this out 45M ) have been married to my then partner with a therapist served up a plate. Of their friends over their partner 's wellbeing 20 years it zero importance my then partner with the... Of it lapping up the drama and pushing to be the center of attention fixed, couples. Right now your marriage can survive this the balls to call her out in front of her friends her! To your character swayed them she did was awful and she has blabbed something intensely personal while intoxicatedthat know. Were bi 'girls talk ' and she knows shes an ass, and no more alcohol good... Than yous twos intimacy to my wife ( 45F ) for 20.. Reason I would lean towards suggesting forgiving her and working on this,. Ugh I 'm not saying she will, I do n't need to feel uncomfortable - instead of fighting feelings. It zero importance was shocked or uncomfortable, just derogatory you could trust with anything ever. Years ago you were a running joke in your marriage can survive this fucked up are good comments here so! With flat out betrayal has somehow swayed them opinions matter more than yous intimacy! She is, violating you, your sex life, envisioning other people remember. I told this to my mom exactly once for advice a single one of the double and believe she the... ) have been infinitely better if my parents didnt do that herself beforehand calmed down true. Cape back and walked right out of single one of the house went. Wifes friend be able to identify you anyway from the story literally the marriage everyone wants in front of friends... Steering wheel so hard I thought I was gon na break it in my humble....
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